How to Come Out Smelling Like a Rose

You might have experienced it. Your day was going along wonderfully, until that colleague made a cutting remark. Or you were having a fine time with your spouse when he or she made an unjust statement. Cut to the quick, we seethe inside. Caught unawares, we are confused as to how to react.

Obviously, the person was really insensitive to say or think like that. Should we get even in the same way, hitting back? Should we distance ourselves from them?

These are difficult questions, especially when the concerned person is your spouse, child, sibling, intimate friend or your buddy in your project team. The situation is very delicate.

I won't make any comment now about how you deal with that person, mainly because there is somebody else who has to be handled before that. Who ? Me of course.

Yes, we need to regain our composure and mental serenity, first. Lets get back our balance and equipoise first. We cant do this by struggling with our hurt feelings and anger. It'll be like taming a wild elephant.

Instead, use your breath.

Your breath is your ever present friend-and sometimes, it is the only one.

Recently, a great spiritual teacher (Mata Amritanandamayi) said that the breath is divine. To watch the breath is to meditate on your innate divinity which is ever calm and blissful. Breath is the life-giver.

It is mighty, it can heal-anything. All that we need to do is to be aware of it-as it moves in and out of our body. Gradually, one can feel the vice like grip of negativity loosening and falling away, leaving us in peace and freedom. We have overcome another wave of turbulence!

Here, we are actually practicing being in the Here and Now. The NOW is where healing occurs. As Eckhart Tolle says: The NOW is the fresh smelling rose, the eternal present. It cant hold the unpleasant odors from the past. Nor the anxieties about the future.

So when you come here, you are free of unwholesome feelings. The breath is an excellent key to come here.

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Having Fun in Learning Skills

If you are a student, or if you are interested in acquiring more knowledge, you can gain inspiration from the game of Darts. Darts is a game similar to archery, only that you throw darts at a target. See the picture below:

It is easy to train in Darts. Perhaps this is because it is a game (unlike serious academic study). The objectives are clearly defined. It is easy to evaluate yourself. You can see the results immediately. It is another matter if you give up, if you get discouraged when you dont hit the target. You may hit the target:

a) most of the time
b)only sometimes

c)not at all

If you keep yourself focused on the target, it is quite possible to hit the target a reasonable number of times. It's a guarantee. Perhaps the time for learning varies from person to person.

This is a skill that you can learn.

We all need many skills to move forward in life. Career skills, educational skills, social skills, relaxation skills, anger skills (to manage and use your anger constructively).

People find it hard to train in learning skills and academic subjects. The reasons which would be obvious from the above Darts example are:

• Objective is not clearly defined
• Lack of sight of objective
• Outcome not visible or measurable
• Giving up too soon (lack of repetition)

Based on the above, we could use a learning methodology for learning any subject with the least trouble, actually with fun. (We will consider an example later)

This is the outline of the method:

• Identify the skill to learn
• Break it down into various objectives (sub skills)
• Define ideal outcome for each sub skill
• Learn the sub skills, one at a time.
• Repeat, repeat, repeat.
• Combined application of the learnt skills in more complex activities

Example: Learning to Drive with Fun!

We break down the composite skill of Driving into several components. Examples are: Gears, Starting the vehicle engine, Traffic signs etc.
Now we break down these component skills into their sub skills:
Sub skills:

a)Gears:

• Knowledge of gear positions
• Practice shifting gear on a stationary car
• Learning when gears are to be changed (e.g-1st gear is for bumpy road, uphill road, slow speeds,...)

b)Shifting to 1st gear from neutral when the vehicle engine is running

c)Starting the engine:

• Turn gear to neutral
• Turn ignition on
• Change into 1st gear
• Press Accelerator very slightly (for some cars)
• Release the clutch gently (requires levering your foot on the heel, and controlling the force)

Similarly, the rest of the skills for driving can be broken down into smaller sub skills. While actually starting to drive, we can use these skills, combined. 

If we spent time learning specific skills, then it would be easier to recall them for their combined application, in actual situations. This can help avoid the terror and trauma involved in learning new skills. The trauma occurs because learners are expected to learn all skills at the same time, or in a very short time, with instructors having little patience. Most of us would have experienced this situation while learning how to drive, with an instructor.

How was your experience of learning how to drive? Was it fun? Or was it traumatic like mine?
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Two Simple Keys to a Happy Family

Family Ties Need Commitment

By following two simple rules, anybody can have a happy family life.

Happy Family Rule 1: Think like a salesman

You may not agree with me here, however a good family life is a lot easier if you try to think like a salesman. It depends on how you sell your ideas to your family. You’d have tried to sell your ideas to others-your boss or colleague-at some point in your career.

Successful, happy families are built on solid values and self-discipline. When you, your spouse, children, and other members cooperate with one another in living these values, it’s a successful family life. But they may be ignorant of your cherished values, which are your ideas now. Your family is yet to accept them. You need to sell your ideas to your family.

Everybody needs to sell.

If you are a candidate for an interview, you need to sell yourself as an employee to the interviewer.

Before marriage, you need to sell yourself as a life partner, to the person whom you have chosen.

At home also, you need to sell your ideas.

Sometimes this can require you to do some creative thinking. For example, you may need to persuade your three-year-old to brush teeth before going to bed. Don’t rely on arguments here. It’s more a matter of listening and speaking from your heart.

Just as important as creative thinking, or even more, is putting yourself in the other’s shoes. If you do this, you will be quickly able to identify their needs. Insights and solutions follow naturally. That creates a win-win situation for both of you.

For instance you may want your son to drive responsibly, or you want to ensure your teenage daughter turns in at home on time.

It is easy to give commands to those who are junior to us in the family, but that’s very one-sided. The way of shoulds and donts doesn’t accord much respect to the receiver, and can get into arguments and ego conflicts. It may not make a happy family life, but may actually worsen relationships.

This is where we need to take a cue from salesmen.

Imagine I am trying to sell you something. Do I barge in on you, start my sales pitch and demand that you listen? No! You must feel like listening! How? I listen to you. I ask you for your opinions, comments on things, about what interests you, what you don’t like. And if you find that I’m putting on an act, just for my sale, you’d detect it easily and back off. Sincere interest is the key. I need to relate as a trustable friend to you.

That’s right. To convince you, I need to respect you. We can’t demand that our family members listen to whatever we say. Some people still go by that rule. If such families stay together, it is because they have no other choice. What will happen when each member in the family has an option, like a source of income or a person to support them emotionally or financially?

You need to take the first step by giving respect by first listening to them. Just listen patiently, hear them out. Let them express their feelings and opinions. Let them begin, and finish their sentences.

You will be amazed at the change this will bring in your family relationships! Just because you have acknowledged their value and space as individuals.

HOWEVER: Listening does not mean you have got to follow thorough their every whim.

How to handle it if you have urgent work to do, and your spouse or child wants to talk? Discretion is needed here. If it’s urgent, they need to be given time. If it’s not critical, promise another time and see that you remember.

Which brings us to Rule No. 2.

Happy Family Rule No 2: Self-discipline.

If you’re to practice Rule No1, sharing time with your family, you need to be organized which means self-discipline.

Try to master your own self. Be a self-discipline model for others in your family to follow.

Well you may not be a perfect role model, none of us are. But it goes without saying, if you are the thinking member of the family, it begins with you.

Children may not listen to everything you say, but they sure will not miss anything you do.

I'd say your family members may be behaving unreasonably, but we need to start with ourselves. Let’s do the best we can.

That can create a win-win situation for both of you.

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If you'd like to further improve your selling capability using a very simple technique, see How to Improve Your Sales.

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