The thirst to be loved

Most of us have had a hard time adjusting to the demands and fluctuations of our spouses.Sometimes, they just seem unreasonable.We find it difficult to think calmy and level headed, and would like to retaliate,just to get even.

Often we ignore the prompting from within and act rashly.And we regret.Small differences of opinion escalate into arguments, quarrels and conflicts.All because we did not pause to listen.To our own inner guide.Does not that still small voice inside you tell you to wait?

It is hard not to retaliate when you are hurt by cruel words.We are surrounded by such a world. A retaliatory world.The governments, the judiciaries and the entire world acts out their hatred of evil by hating it more, by punishing it.The Gandhis,the Martin luther kings and the Mother Teresas did their best.Perhaps their efforts have not gone to waste.The fact that sane voices still remain here, proves it.

Gandhi used to say:If all of us lived by the rule an eye for an eye, we would all soon be blind.

In the middle of an argument, when you are getting excited, please wait.If you will wait a few minutes, or if possible, a few hours before reacting on impulse, it will be something that you will be glad that you did.

Deep, slow breathing helps to quieten emotions.Counting the breaths and holding to a small count(say 4 or 6) is effective in calming the mind.Do not overdo it.A few rounds will be enough.

Deep within, we are all children who lost the oasis of unconditional love somewhere in our early childhood.Some of us may never have known such an oasis exists.

Remember, your spouse is also a lost child like yourself.He/She is probably expressing a longing for unconditional love from deep within.Try to awaken that feeling of love and consideration inside of yourself, and give love, without expecting. See what happens !

The value of mistakes

The freedom to make mistakes is the fundamental right of human beings. We have to make mistakes in order to learn anything. Without making mistakes we cannot learn anything.

Parents insist their children should be perfect in everything. My child should be the first in everything. He/She should get it right the first time.
Needless to say, the child soon grows disillusioned with himself as he keeps on hearing the criticism. Do you not agree? Just listen to your own internal dialogue as you do things, interact with people and children. Most people are scared of attempting new things, acquiring new skills because they are afraid of this disapproving monster inside them. It does not leave them in peace for a moment.

I recently attempted to learn typing. Each time I made a mistake, I could hear my own mind screaming: “You idiot! Can’t you do a thing as simple as this right?” It would never quit. It seemed determined to deride me at each and every step. And this, after years of repeating self-talk.

I did not give up. Each time I heard myself talking nastily to myself, I reassured myself: “It’s OK to be not perfect. It is good to make mistakes. Just go on. Does not matter when you finish it”

I am slowly learning it. I am contented with my tardy learning speed. I am happy that I am making mistakes. My target is to make at least a hundred mistakes a day.

The Head or the heart?

We have a saying in Kerala: when the head is still there, the tail need not rule. The head is place highest on the human body. Every other organ – hands, heart, legs and genitals are below the head. Does this indicate a superiority of the head over the other organs?

Normally we have the higher authority seated at a higher level than his subordinates. If you follow any office seating hierarchy (take, a court for example).The judge is the supreme authority. He is seated at the highest level. The Indian parliament may be the only office where the ruling speaker is seated at a lower level. (Does this explain the unruly scenes that we have in parliaments?)

Apart from these considerations of higher placement, let us see what will happen if the other organs are allowed to indulge as they like, without giving due thought? Obviously, when a man has too many drinks, his intellect is warning him: do not drink. You have to drive. If he doesn’t listen and goes on drinking, he is exposed to a greater danger of a car crash. The reflexes will not be fast enough.

This applies to every other action. Our actions have to be guided by our intellect. This is particularly true so in interpersonal relations. We may have conflicts in our relations. If we react at the level of the heart, that is, just emotionally, we are likely to get caught up in a mess. It soon becomes a retaliatory game. A no-win situation. We need to stand apart, view the situation from an outsider’s perspective, suspending judgment or knee jerk reactions. Then we have more choices. This has to be patiently cultivated.

But sometimes, we do need to rely on the heart. It is to sense the intuition that we need in many situations. Falling in love, for instance. After knowing the person, for a long time. if we keep on analyzing him/her, we will ends up being frustrated, not being able to make a choice.

One is tempted to say it is not a matter of the head or the heart. It is a matter of functioning as a whole person. A balanced person, centered within. This comes about through relaxation and an acquired faith in oneself, in one’s own goodness. Previous articles have covered how we came to disbelieve our goodness.

We will soon discuss how Yoga explains the inter play of emotions and intellect.

Practical tips for Changing habit patterns-1

Whether we realize it or not, it is not lack of techniques or knowledge that prevents us from improving ourselves. It is basically our non-supportive mind that holds us back from surging ahead to greater and greater achievements. The achievements can be in any field: acquiring new skills (improving our present abilities-language/career/social/etc), learning a new skill/sport/hobby, starting a group activity, and making a billion, Enlightenment…it can be anything that you want to do.

Why our minds do not support us? Because we have not been encouraged or affirmed or loved enough till now. If an individual receives unconditional love and support in their childhood, there should not be any snag in their personality. But we have dissatisfied and discontented adults who cannot handle their emotions, wreaking their frustration on the hapless children they are entrusted with. The adults can be: parents, elder siblings and relatives, teachers, servants, etc.
The repeated admonitions and chidings and putdowns burn themselves into the psyche of the child, and become part of his own thinking process:

You are worthless.
You cannot do a thing right.
You are a good for nothing.
You Idiot! Stupid! Rascal! Bugger! Devil...
You will never amount to anything.
You are a failure.
(..Ad Nauseam…)
……………………….

After hearing this tape with all its vehemence from the plastic years of childhood onwards, the child will start thinking:

I am worthless
I cannot do anything right.
I am stupid.
I am a complete failure.
Listen to yourself as you go about your day. You will know what your mind is telling yourself. This is your own self-talk.

And what we tell ourselves, we will actualize, manifest in reality. For more information on the mechanism of self-talk, read “What to say when you talk to yourself” by Dr.Shad HelmStetter.

Talking in the Right Way to Yourself

Hi All,

Ever felt desperate about the kind of self-development course or book that really delivers ? Most of us will have.

Well I too thought so until I read Dr.Shad Helmstetter's "What to say when you talk to yourself".

This book has the works.It feels a bit tedous as you mumble the self-talk given in the book, day in day out.It is grinding work, despairing sometimes, but I tell you, it is effective !

What he calls as self-talk is almost the same as affirmations.But he has explained it so covincingly that you immediately will want to try it out. Just keep at it, and you will be amazed at the results !

Another significant book on self talk is "Developing your Personal Power"